Six trite, absurd, insulting, expressions of the soul-sucking vortex known as humanity. I am not a patient person. Nor am I very accepting of change. But I also knew that if I really wanted to meet someone as much as I was saying I did, I might have to step outside my Comfort Zone, which is what I call my flannel pajamas, and into the big, hopeful, scary world of Internet dating.
My friend Jenna came over on a Wednesday night, because it was February first, and we decided that something like this should happen on a first day of the month. We poured ourselves glasses of wine and set about describing ourselves in the best, most attractive, most unique, most intriguing ways we possibly could. We were truthful, though.
Is this what guys are thinking when they list their heights as five-ten even you know, in your heart, that they are five-seven? This is why online dating is terrible. But that first night was fine. He was a boy who wanted to talk to me! On first day of online dating, that is sort of all you really need. I think I was just overwhelmed by how much it took me back to middle school, flirting well, talking with boys on AIM for the first time.
He was a boy. In a month on OkCupid, I received around messages. A few precious gems were legitimately nice and pleasant, but their presence in my inbox was so minuscule as online dating sending messages hardly be noticeable. But whatever, you get my point. I think it actually could be. For some reason it seems like standard operating procedure, among those with opposite-sex interests, that GUYS message GIRLS and that is that.
I would feel bad, except that the authors of the messages that provoke that kind of reaction most certainly do not give a fuck. You know how I know? Because they sent that same exact masturbatory-ass message to me AND two of my friends. I am, however, interested in the betterment of humankind. I am interested in historical records on some of the most pressing matters of our time. I am interested in the grouping and analysis of small disasters.
May God have mercy on our souls, and may whoever invented online dating sending messages backhanded compliment as flirting tactic damn you, popular MTV pickup artist Mystery! Maybe there are some women who really like that! This is even true for women! This was before I realized that listing a Myers-Briggs personality type in a dating profile was gauche. What this message really says is this: I do not enjoy other people, online dating sending messages. This is such a pure neg.
The list goes on. For the record, none of these messages garnered a response. Prior to OkC, I never got the feeling that anyone who was being mean online dating sending messages me was laboring under the impression that doing so would give me a sudden and inexplicable desire to drop my pants. Teasing, sure—where would I be without teasing as flirtation tactic? I felt bad enough going online to date in the first place, but the influx of negs made me feel worse.
I was a profile. But online dating sending messages desire to demean someone and the desire to online dating sending messages her are, I think, mutually exclusive. What I was not prepared for were the copy-pasters, the virus transmitters, the people anastasia dating online apparently send identical messages or gently mutated versions thereof to the owner of every female profile they can find. I might have noticed that there was something suspiciously hollow and generic about these messages, but I would have allowed my belief in the good of humanity to overrule the idea that anyone online dating sending messages be so gross as to think that blanket dating messages could work.
I am often wrong about the good of humanity. But I am not talking about online dating sending messages or brief boilerplate messages. I am talking about missives. I am talking about excruciatingly detailed compliments. They might look familiar. We all got this message at least twice in our stays, of varying lengths, on OkCupid. This young man is overextending himself.
Perhaps not surprisingly, this message came from someone with whom I shared a higher enemy percentage than match percentage. Ditto Jenna, ditto Rylee. He was like our Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but the opposite. Well I know beauty. And you, are good shit! Your beauty is insane. Like I said, I know this is random, but I had to let you know. Anyway, congratulations on being so magnificent. If you want though, you should look at my profile, I worked really hard on it, haha, but there is a lot of information on there, so only go read it if you enjoy reading or you could hate your life.
I tend to ramble. When this message came, and I was mildly flattered, it was only because my spirits were already broken. Then Jenna got the same message. Then Rylee got it, too. He tried to cry out, but it was of no use. He tried to tell us that we really were all good shit, but it was too late. They might look like people, but then so do you, and you know that all you are anymore is a shell.
I know—this sounds like a joke. A funny one, even! It was definitely not a joke. If you make me laugh it would be really cool. And we can discuss the annunaki, nibiru, and the blue spirals! That would make me happy. What would really make you happy? There are some people for whom sending that first OkCupid message is like being a guy bird puffing out his chest to impress girl birds. Animal Planet seems to think this behavior has a pretty high success rate, and I think some of the males of our own species have taken note.
I like talking about myself as much as and probably more than the next person, OBVIOUSLY. It is my hope that by continually doing what I love to do, which is talking about myself, someone perfect will eventually just fall in love with me. Online dating sending messages I understand the impulse to lead with yourself. But some part of me—the part that is familiar with social interactions and general guidelines of human conduct—recognizes that this is neither the most practical nor the most thoughtful way to get to know a person.
Some part of me knows that I would never stroll into a bar announcing my various accomplishments and character traits to a guy I thought was hot—so why would I or anyone in their right mind do the same thing in a message? Then he challenged me to believe it.
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